I went to Best Buy last night to buy the Fellowship of the Ring extended DVD.

I ended up walking out with the FotR extended DVD, Lantana, and some old Less Than Jake, newish Queens of the Stone Age, and an old System of a Down album.

The clerk complimented my taste, and unfortunately proceeded to hit on me while ringing me up. He was a blond college student. Plump, with watery blue eyes and a doughy, malleable face straight out of the Simpsons.

I don't remember looking at his nametag, but he seemed like a Hank.

"System of a Down!" he says, obviously surprised that a person Who Looks Like Me would be purchasing hard core metal. "Good choice. Have you seen them in concert?"

I shift from foot to foot, wishing like hell I'd thought to bring along one of those flip-fans and scrawled 'I've taken a vow of silence' on it in black lipstick. "Nope. Haven't had time to go to the Orbit Room the last few years."

The line behind me grows. Only two registers are open. People are looking at their watches. The clerk keeps slowly dragging items across the scanner.

"So what do you do?"

There are a lot of responses to this question, and I usually tailor what I say depending on my desire for further conversation or my state of intoxication. I opt for extremely bland. "I'm in IT."

He gives me the sly, up-and-down look, and being thrillingly original, says, "Don't take this the wrong way, but you don't exactly look like a computer geek."

Yes, I want to say, I'm the Miss America of computer techs. I only wear my sash for official functions. "Yeah, I get that a lot."

The line behind me shifts and grumbles again. He's holding my receipt hostage. I think about using my bag full of pointy plastic jewel cases as a bola. He slowly extends the little folder. "Have a nice day," he says. I nearly run over a small child in the parking lot in my haste to get away.

The moral of today's story? Online shopping. Not only is it the new black, there's no traffic, no lines, I don't have to leave the house, and there's no chance of getting a starring role in When Dorks Attack.

We're in the winter deep-freeze, our president is an evil, little monkey, and my coworkers keep discussing American Idol at such length and at such volume that no amount of Tool and David Bowie will drown it out.

I am wearing my Khakis of Discontent, and I'm tired of my car being encased in ice like a clear Jell-O mold from the Gallery of Regrettable Food.

The apocalypse is clearly upon us:

ANGERED BY SNUBBING, LIBYA, CHINA, SYRIA FORM AXIS OF JUST AS EVIL

"International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered."

Despair, Inc.

At Despair, Inc., we agree wholeheartedly- and helping others to unleash their hidden potentials remains our singular obsession.

Think about it- what hidden potentials exist within YOU?

Perhaps you're a wholly reasonable person, with the potential to become an irrational fool? Perhaps you're a team player, with a potentially argumentative loner lurking about inside you? Or perhaps you're a dreamer, within whom lives a potentially disillusioned grouse, simply waiting to take flight on the wings of bitterness?

Exile TV: Real Reality Television

It's the new mid-season line-up! Starring Saddam Hussein, the Bush administration, and Dick Senior as Gollum!

Tachyon TV

"With sci-fi franchises dropping like ninepins over the last couple of months, it is slowly beginning to dawn on fandom that by the time 2003 draws to a close, Stargate SG-1 will be the ONLY science fiction television show left in active production."

The Earth Isn't Flat?

"How long does it take the Earth to orbit the sun? Half of U.S. adults don't know, according to a recent National Science Foundation survey."

I'm bored enough to be amused by exploding bananas -- but really, who wouldn't be amused by exploding bananas? They're not a food item I consider particularly combustible or prone to... well, exploding.

And contrary to what I would have expected, it seems like bananas going all explode-y can cause some serious property damage.

You thought Turkish prisons were bad? Stay away from their bananas, yo.

An a nomination for children going to the special hell: Kidnappers demand $800 for return of Baby Jesus.

The note was signed by "Me, him and the other kid who was really scared and didn't want to take your baby Jesus and the whole time all he did was say stuff like you're going to hell."

Santa must be working out: "Santa Claus whipped his butt," said Katherine Phillips, who witnessed the fight.

Unsurprisingly, there are cows puzzled by road markings, which can only be topped by fugitive cows on the loose!

Finally, there was a man jailed for burning 'goat'. I haven't quite figured out why 'goat' is in quotation marks. I also haven't quite figured out where burning goats is a festive holiday custom.

* * * * *

Go find your own:

News of the WEIRD

FARK.com

Yahoo's Weird News

Exploding Cigar

You can't see, but this has me laughing hysterically.

Dude.

I'm back from Burbank and shuffling around at work like I'm mostly dead.

This is what happens when you spend 20 hours in transit from Friday morning to Sunday evening, and consume too much beer and get no sleep in between because you're working like a fiend at a non-profit job that doesn't pay.

It could be that I'm deranged from sleep deprivation, but I found Flash movie about Kikkoman Soy Sauce that begs quite a few questions.

Why the fish head? Why does the cat commit suicide? Does this soy sauce actually kill the Yakuza? Will fighting the good soy fight actually result in homosocial bonding and Muscle Beach posturing?

Only Kikkimaso knows for sure.

Some items to amuse while I'm gone, not that I've been updating frequently, or anything:

Louisiana puts bounty on rodents:

"I'm sure they're good to eat. It's just that it's not a pretty animal," Autin said. "Of course, pretty shouldn't mean anything. You're not going to eat a cat and that's pretty."

Weebl and Bob: What can I say, I ordered a, "lo. i have become death. stealer of pie!" t-shirt from here.

The Wrath of God: A fine, fine form of stress relief.

I'll be incommunicado this weekend.

Off to Burbank, California for a last minute meeting of a non-profit organization and fundraiser.

I'ma busy girl.

Messing around with the design, since I felt like a change.

It's not fully done yet, since I have to alter the rest of the site to take it into account, but so far? Liking it.

And yes, Phillip, I know I'm supposed to e-mail you.